An Unexpected Loss

Posted on by Catharine H. Murray

Over two months ago, the day after Thanksgiving, the phone at my mountain-top retreat in Taos rang at two AM. I picked up and heard the sound of my 27-year-old son’s voice. He told me that his aunt had just called him from Thailand to let him know that his father, the man I had been married to for 23 years, had died at home in the town where he grew up, where I met him, where we fell in love and started our family. It was a complete shock. Dtaw had always been a dedicated athlete who still ran and biked long distances. He had finally begun to find joy in his life after so many years of grieving over the loss of our son and the subsequent dissolution of our family ties.

By the time I hung up the phone hours later, Cody and Tahn and I had decided to fly that day to Thailand for the funeral. I was not sure how I would be received by our family and community there, having been the one to have left Dtaw nearly ten years ago, but I knew I had to be there for my boys, now devastated.

48 hours later, after landing in Bangkok and flying to the Northeast edge of Thailand where Dtaw’s hometown stood on the edge of the Mekong River, the boys and I arrived at the funeral. Being back “home” where Chan had been born (in the same bed where his dad had died) and in the same house where his funeral had been 18 years before triggered an explosion of memories. Every shop, every street corner, every view of the clouds over the river reminded me of memories of my life as a young woman falling in love, a young mother delighted with her brood, an exhausted mother fighting for Chan’s life, and a heartbroken mother, contending with his death.

Despite all this inner turmoil, I knew it was right to have come for the funeral. Dtaw’s family and many friends and neighbors surprised me with the gracious warmth and love they offered, the genuine pleasure they seemed to take in my return, welcoming me as if I’d never left them, as if I’d never left him.

They even insisted I take the place of honor as head mourner in each part of the week-long funeral ceremonies, leading the procession at the temple, sitting closest to the coffin at home when the monks chanted, being the first in line to present offerings to the monks. This might seem odd in our culture, but I think that there, the family unit is so fundamental, that the fact that I was the mother of his children outweighed any subsequent arrangements we may have made about our living situations.  

It was humbling to be treated with such kindness and to remember what strong and abundant ties I had and still have to that community. I have Dtaw to thank for that. When we fell in love, he opened to me not only his heart, but also the family and culture that was so dear to him. I will be forever grateful for the way his acceptance and education of me changed my life by showing me a new perspective on the world I thought I knew.

In the weeks before Dtaw’s death, I found myself feeling a new sense of gratitude for him, I found myself writing about the early days of our relationship, about the sweetness, about the wonder of parenting with someone I loved so much. The boys and I had planned to go visit him this March, and I was looking forward to connecting with him now that the wounds of divorce had had time to heal. The night before he died, I even dreamed of him, and in the dream I experienced a sense of deep appreciation for the way he always loved me, showing his devotion through wordless acts of kindness. From him I learned how to give, how to be supportive and how to be patient. For this and for so much more, I will always be grateful.

Dtaw Tiparos, March 22, 1963 – November 23, 2023

To contribute in Dtaw’s memory to the Wat Tah Kek School to provide a home, education and skills for a hopeful future for poor and abandoned children, click here.

Published by

Unknown's avatar

Catharine H. Murray

Author, poet, speaker, workshop leader, teacher.

23 thoughts on “An Unexpected Loss”

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I remember meeting Dtaw briefly at your home in Portland long ago. How many years ago, ten? Or more? You have written a perfectly beautiful account of your journey to his funeral with your two sons all grown up. Thank you for including these photos of your family. I’m so grateful to still be on your email list! Love, Sherry

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This was so beautifully written, Catharine. Very moving. You wrote a beautiful tribute to Dtaw.

    I just made a very small contribution–let me know if you see it because I’m not sure it went through.

    Also, I would love the boys’ addresses. I’ve been meaning to send them a card, and you. Do you have an address?

    Love you, Sue

    Like

  6. Catharine,

    An exquisite, poignant and beautifully written account of the loss, the memories, the gratitude, and the homecoming. As Edward said when I read parts to him, ‘she has had quite a life, hasn’t she ?’. Yes, she has. Do hope we meet again.Be well and safe, abrazos, Sue (Ecuador)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Sue. Love to Ed too.

      Catharine H. Murray, MFA Author, Poet, Speaker https://catharinehmurray.com/, Writing Guide and Editor https://catharinehmurray.com/welcome/guide-2/ South Portland, Maine http://www.catharinehmurray.com 207 347 9396

      Next Online Class: Little Frankensteins: 5-Week Hybrid Form Workshop https://sarah-s-site-2399.thinkific.com/courses/littlefrank

      February 5th – March 3rdASYNCHRONOUS

      For people who want to amp up the creativity of your writing, join our 5-week asynchronous workshop https://sarah-s-site-2399.thinkific.com/courses/littlefrank in February.

      You will receive the lessons and assignments in your inbox each week and participate in group discussion boards for support and feedback from the group and from me and Sarah on your work.

      Click here https://sarah-s-site-2399.thinkific.com/courses/littlefrank for more information and to register. https://sarah-s-site-2399.thinkific.com/courses/littlefrank

      Find my memoir, Now You See the Sky https://www.amazon.com/Now-You-See-Catharine-Murray/dp/1617756660/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540549349&sr=8-1&keywords=now+you+see+the+sky&dpID=41z%252Bf7VfO5L&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch, published by Akashic Books http://www.akashicbooks.com/author/catharine-h-murray/ on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Now-You-See-Catharine-Murray/dp/1617756660/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540549349&sr=8-1&keywords=now+you+see+the+sky&dpID=41z%252Bf7VfO5L&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srchor Indiebound https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781617756665

      “Now You See the Sky, delivers a gorgeously written memoir that burrows deep into the heart.” –Brevity Literary Magazine, January 10, 2019 https://brevitymag.com/book-reviews/a-review-of-catharine-h-murrays-now-you-see-the-sky/

      Like

  7. So sorry for your son’s loss and your loss, grateful you could be together to honor Dtaw. How dreams connect…across life and into death and beyond…know Taos, too, from many Silent Meditation and Writing Retreats with Natalie Goldberg at the Mabel Dodge Luhan House. Sending love and care to you and your sons,
    Beth Ackerson

    Like

  8. Dearest Katie, Lucian and I are in Oaxaca Mexico reading your beautifully written tribute to Dtaw and your love for him as a husband, father, friend and your strong connection to the culture. Thank you for sharing. We are sending love and hugs, Marie and Lucian

    Like

    1. So sweet of you to check in from Oaxaca, no less. Thank you so much. Thinking of you. The other night one of the residents here at Ucross in Wyoming asked me the story of my book’s cover. So I got to talk about you wonderful pair. Sending love to you in Mexico. See you in Maine this summer I hope!

      Like

  9. Dear Katie, Cody, & Tahn, I was shocked and saddened to read of Dtaw’s unexpected passing. Immediately I thought back to his help with the weekly cooking class in Tahn’s kindergarten class. His respect and dignity for all of us, and his deep, tender affection for Tahn, stood out in those months as we became acquainted.

    Later, when Bruce and I had the privilege of briefly visiting all of you in Dtaw’s small village, he welcomed us warmly and cooked for us at your home. His mother joined us and proudly told us about her sons, who were teachers. Another day, Dtaw drove us out of the village, past tamarind trees, to a restaurant in a grove of trees, high above the Mekong River, for a special meal.

    He was a kind, gentle man who loved his family. The world is richer for his life in it. We send you all our hope that your own sweet memories will comfort you in this tremendous loss.

    Much love, Linda & Bruce

    Like

    1. Dear Linda and Bruce, So generous of you to share these memories with me and the boys. Thank you so much. Yes, that was a wonderful visit. I know Dtaw loved taking care of you and showing you around after having the good fortune of seeing you take care of our precious little kindergartener each day! I so appreciate your note. Thank you for this and so much more.

      Like

  10. Dear Catharine
    I’m so sorry for your loss.
    This is so beautiful written. Thank you for sharing your experience. Sounds so powerful and also so healing. The fact that you had so many thoughts of him and that he also showed up in a dream just before his passing speaks about how connected you still were after all these year. I feel sad his life got shortened, especially as it seems that he had “just” had started to live again after his grief. Life is such a Mystery.
    Much love, Eva

    Like

  11. Hi Katie,
    I’m so sorry to hear of Dtaw’s death. I have sweet memories of his kindness and sincerity. Sending love and light to you all.
    Celeste

    Like

  12. Catherine,
    My heart aches to hear this news. Your narrative is written with an abundance of love and compassion. Beautifully done.

    Like

  14. Catie-thinking of you and your boys. I remember Dtaw as a gentle, loving soul. Sending you all peace and strength.
    -Lindsey

    Like

Leave a comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.